Questioned my straightness? (I know this is long, but would mean a lot to me, if you read it. Even if you do not reply Ill appreciate your time to read this. Thanks in advance!) Ever since I was little I have had sexual encounters with boys scars. My first sexual encounter was when I was 5 or 6 with a boy from the block. He followed me in one of the first floors of a building that was near where I lived. I asked How do kiss in film ", and so I showed him in the air (as I thought I had a good capacity to act.) Then I have to show that relied on him, but I said Youre too little, only adults do. But somehow I was forced into it, and kissed him. I hated it. Her lips are big, moist and feels like saliva. He didn't unlock by myself, when I tried to take away, and then he grabbed me and I was in a discrete space in the corridor where I couldnt be seen. He took all my clothes off and I was left alone in my slip. He took his clothes off too. He lied to both of our clothes down on the floor, and I lied about me. He tried to imitate sex. All this time I thought why is doing this? I want to go home. When I tried to protest, he just pushed me over on the floor, kissed me hard rubbed against me and faster. In the end he stood up and said that there are both to return home. It 'been in the past curfew. He made me say to my parents a lie on a toy car has lost and how we have been looking for all this time. I came home smelling like spit, cigarette buds and other intolerable smells of an apartment building hallway. [I think that was the first time I scored sexually] ... The second time was when I was about 6 or 7 years. I was at a friends birthday party, a boy my friend who was a couple of years older than me and had a brother my age. At one instance when I was walking through their apartment in between games or anything like that, her brother grabbed my hand and pushed me in the bathroom. He closed the door, after which I was thrown down on the floor and fell on me. He was overweight because I felt like I was suffocating. He acted like an animal that hadnt eaten in days. He tried to slide up and down on me, tried to get his hand under my skirt, tried to kiss me on my neck. I screamed and fought. In the end someone heard my cries and forced the door of the bathroom open. The boy stood up quickly and said something along the lines of She seduced me in a children's lexicon. My parents looked shocked. When we left the party, it was discovered that it was all my fault and I was established for a long time ... I bought another scar just a year ago when I was 17. I was going through a kind of psychological condition, then, I dont know exactly who - manic depression, anxiety and so I invited a complete stranger in my apartment, I have drunk from alcohol and shared a common weed with him, after which I was raped . Now my doubt ... when I was 7-8 years, I visited our family summer home in rural areas of the country. I am a friend, a girl named [as I remember] Katherine. We hung out most of the time. I noticed that I was attracted to her, and once when his course in the summer house, with its I snuck into the attic and tried to imitate sex. I took the male role, while the female has done. I rubbed my groin area on her butt, her thighs rubbed, kissed her neck, pouted, and got quite heated, but didn't know how to do it outside. She seemed turned on as well, but at some point she pushed me away and said that we couldnt do it anymore. Even if we did. We did that every day, when we saw each other, and each time we did I found myself more and more turned on. The summer is over and I had to go home. I met with Katherine a year, or later in his home city, where my family and I were on vacation then. He tried to advance on me, but I wanted to act, and acted like nothing happened before. After that we never spoke again. And after that, a couple of years later, when my parents divorced and when I moved to another country, to live with my father, I masturbated for the first time. Something led me to take my dad out of playboy magazine, look at Carmen Electra and hump a sofa in our living room. Since then, I masturbate to women. I cannot c * m if somehow I do not think of a womans boobs or a ** or legs, or legs, or cries of protest. I masturbated to the thought of my mother once. Most of my fantasies are sadistic, thought to inflict pain for women is my number one turn-on. Since I was about 13 or 14, I tried to masturbate thinking of men, but not for the success up to this day. Im attracted to men, have crushes and fall in love, but I cannot fantasize about them or c * m for the thought of them. This was compounded by my rape. I think the reason why I never had a boyfriend, why is all this history. I say
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